Magic Puppy: Live Reactions
It’s time to watch Magic Puppy, from the writer and director team behind A Talking Cat!?!, and spew out words as they come to me. It’ll be terrible.
- Opening credits call the movie The Magic Puppy. Which differs from Magic Puppy, A Magic Puppy, A Halloween Puppy, and The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure. This movie has 5 different titles. And you thought it didn’t get worse than Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever.
- Opening credits use music NOT from A Talking Cat!?! and look semi professional. Except for the random floating Glamour Shots of dogs next to Frankenstein(’s monster)s.
- Jerk slow motion pan over a model city made of damp cardboard. And, pan down to an establishing shot used in A Talking Cat!?! The one where Phil is quoting Humphrey Bogart.
- Kristine DeBell stumbles down the hallway in a POV shot to wake her sleeping son. It is night time. The perfect time to wake someone up to tell them about your day at work.
- Pumpkin wipe transition.
- Two scenes without a shirtless man. David DeCoteau is losing his touch.
- Classic Kristine DeBell. Pausing with a dumb look on her face, assumedly trying to remember her lines.
- Enter Eric Roberts, who sticks his fingers in all the donuts he just brought, licks his fingers, and sticks them back in.
- 10 minute mark. Zero puppies.
- Ghost wipe transition.
- Ne-CHROME-a-con? It’s pronounce ne-al-u-min-ium-a-con, dummies.
- The sun is having a heart attack trying to light the actor’s faces. Outside.
- This kid’s 30 year old girlfriend looks like she needs a hit.
- Needless to say, this film takes place is the same house used in many David DeCoteau movies.
- Cabin casually brought up. Because if you have two locations to use, you need to use them in every film.
- Enter the twins. Who are…bullies? Passive aggressive bullies. They look like they might strip at any moment, but don’t.
- Mom comes out to help her son, and then lets the “bullies” steal the Halloween decorations.
- Witch wipe transition.
- 20 minute mark. Still no dogs.
- The entire score is someone vamping on cymbals and the piano.
- Roberts and DeBell are working on their relationship. So they’re going on a weekend away together. With DeBell’s son. And his girlfriend. So all by themselves, except the other people.
- Eric Roberts turns in a performance equal to or lesser than that of A Talking Cat!?! Sounds sleepy/drugged.
- Son’s 30 year old girlfriend is trying to cast spells. Which accidently turns Eric Roberts into…a sleepier Eric Roberts.
- The most intense blue filter is being used to represent night time. But that doesn’t work when the clouds are solid white.
- Night time outside, no blue filter day inside. “Goodnight mom.”
- And now, 27 minutes in, Eric Roberts become a dog. DeBell call’s to her son to look at this. And, in classic DeCoteau fashion, we get to see the son wind his way down the huge stair case and waste our damn time.
- Eric Roberts doesn’t seem to know he is a dog. Sadly, his mouth isn’t being horribly animated. At least the dog is staying in on place without the use of a laser pointer.
- Now the family is taking this strange dog along with them on the trip. Because logic.
- Why is everyone afraid of these twins? Also, nobody has changed their clothes. It is tomorrow, after all. I think. I can’t tell, because it’s not night day.
- Stock white car driving around scene. I’d say the people in the car are vamping their conversation, but anything made up off the cuff would sound better than this.
- Oh my god, this driving scene will never end.
- And we arrive a second standard DeCoteau location, the cabin.
- This is a kids movie. What kid hasn’t dreamed about how an adult relationship on the brink of disaster might change if one of the adults turned into a dog?
- More Eric Roberts voice over of him making general discovers about things a dog might think.
- Location…3? Mind blown. Inside lives girlfriend’s witch friend. Or a hippy.
- And the DeBell petting and playing with puppy Eric Roberts scene is where the sex would go in a non-kids DeCoteau film.
- No grown woman should be wearing this many beads.
- And back to petting Eric Roberts.
- 45 minutes in. Still no shirtless boys.
- I can’t believe there are 35 minutes left.
- Time to talk about why Eric Roberts hasn’t found it way to the cabin. This will, in all likelihood, last for 35 minutes.
- You guys! Quit talking about Eric Roberts! He’s right over there! And a dog! Yikes! You guys are going to be sooooo embarrassed.
- Eric Roberts doesn’t want to go to the pound because he has a family already. Which explains why he is dating someone. Wait a sec…
- More petting Eric Roberts action. Also, Kristine DeBell just ate some grass.
- You guys! Every religion and tribe regards this time of year as sacred! I believe it, because I heard it from a hippy who pretends to be a witch in a kids movie!
- Through nonsensical logic, the boy and 47 year old girlfriend figure out they turned Eric Roberts into a puppy. How do you reverse a spell? Say the same spell…backwards! There is your magical antidote to any spell cast on you.
- This magic effect is the same one used when Duffy is saved (dies for our sins) in A Talking Cat!?!
- So now we have 24 minutes of trying to turn Eric Roberts back into Eric Roberts.
- Now everyone needs to go BACK from the cabin to the first house to turn Eric Roberts back. But they have time to stop at some haunted houses along the way. Along the deserted road in the country where they are the only car for miles around.
- A Talking Cat!?! was a delight of massive horribleness. This movie is a bland dull bad that is tough to watch.
- One hour in, no shirtless fellas.
- Oh no! I forgot. Since they’re going back to the first location, they have to show the car driving and “ad lib” conversation again for five minutes.
- Whoa, a shot of cars driving in the city! That’s new and slightly exciting.
- Ghost wipe back to the first house.
- Oh no! The twins left their haunted house on the off chance they’d find someone running around with an old spell book. Logical!
- If boy wants the book back, he has to go through the twins’ haunted house! Oh no?
- In the haunted house? Gravestones. Couch with sheet on it. Child’s drawing. Rubber bat. Cotton spiderwebs. Plastic spider. Chair with sheet on it. More cobwebs. Cowboy and gorilla. Cowboy and gorilla.
- Oh no! That old hippie lady was Cindy from the Brady Bunch.
- Synopsis of 50 year old girlfriends most recent movie: A Christian girl goes off to college for her freshman year and begins to be influenced by her popular Biology professor who teaches that evolution is the answer to the origins of life. When her father suspects something happening, he begins to examine the situation and what he discovers completely catches him off guard. Now very concerned about his daughter drifting away from the faith, he tries to do something about it.
- From witchcraft to young Earth Creationist propaganda in two films. That’d make anyone’s head spin.
- 60 year old girlfriend scares cowboy with magic. Cowboy hides behind gorilla. They retreat.
- BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE FILTER!
- And Eric Roberts is Eric Roberts again. With…12 minutes left in the movie. With 5 minutes held over for credits, we still have 7 minutes of bullshit left.
- Eric Roberts is moving his neck around like a velociraptor. I’m not handling this well.
- Oh, 70 year old girlfriend finally kissed the young boy. Because they weren’t girlfriend/boyfriend this whole time.
- And now, 9 minutes of credits. 9 minutes? There is no god.
- That’s it. The end. Do not watch Magic Puppy. Seriously. No shirtless guys. What’s the point?
Magic Puppy, formerly known as A Magic Puppy, A Halloween Puppy, and The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure, is now streaming on Netlfix with its new dog, poster, and tagline. This Halloween, unleash the IMPAWSIBLE with Eric Roberts.
Magic Puppy is written by the same writer as A Talking Cat!?! I could have used a bunch of sarcastic quotation marks there, but I didn’t.
In The Darkness
Night falls on A Talking Cat!?! How do we know it’s night? Because a dark blue filter is put over the scenes shot during the day. This is a cost cutting measure done by movies in the 1960s. 1960s. For an outside shot it isn’t the worst. If I’d have fallen off skateboard in the last ten minutes, I might believe that that isn’t the sun hidden behind some clouds. Let’s see if this self delusion and head injury combination helps for an inside scene.
Oh no! Someone call a doctor! Everyone is dying! How did this happen? Probably Susan’s food. She is as terrible a caterer as she is a human being.
Oh, wait. Maybe everyone isn’t dying, but let’s stop for a second and consider the lighting in this scene. If blue is used to indicate darkness, then Susan, Trent, and Tina are sitting around in a completely dark house with no lights on. Aside from the glaring sunlight coming in through the back window. Moonlight! I meant glaring moonlight.
With this blue filter technique, blue represents darkness. This is so the audience can see what is going on but the actors are supposed to pretend that they are in the dark.
Tina is looking at her computer. Trent is supposedly watching TV. These are light sources. But everything is blue. I mean, this whole film is lazy. But this is really lazy. Really really lazy. There is so much real nighttime! At night! Hours of it, in fact! Use some of it instead of none of it. Or set the goddamn scene during the day!
What’s this scene about? Everyone is horribly sick and Susan is on a call about a catering job. This job is for a toy company. Or a meeting for a toy company. This toy company is meeting with investors and wants things catered by a single mom with one oven.
If Susan can trick this toy company into thinking she’s competent, then she’ll have a permanent job catering for them! During investor meetings, I guess. Which happen once a year. Shh, don’t think about it.
Anywho, Susan is giddy and once again uses her kids for labor. This is a sustainable plan. Trent, the kiss-up, tell his sister that she “better not mess this up for mom like you messed up your face.” Susan doesn’t hear this. She is all the way in the kitchen.
Duffy, the talking cat, appears for some reason. Tina begins talking Duffy quietly about previous events, to which Susan replies “are you talking to me?” Dammit, Susan! Are you in the kitchen or not? Either hear nothing or hear everything. This kitchen sound logic is driving me crazy.
Which brings another scene, where at least 50 things are wrong, to a close.
Oh, wait. First Susan makes Tina take Duffy outside, which she does. We cut to another fake moon shot and then cut back to Duffy and Tina INSIDE for another 30 seconds before going on to the next scene. Because that’s how inside and outside work. Now the scene is over.
The scene starts with Chris sulking by the pool. The pool he is afraid of. In fact, he’s dipping his tootsies in the pool. This kid isn’t afraid of swimming at all! It’s all some sort of…act. Not that I’d go so far as to say there is acting in A Talking Cat!?!
Chris was just inside tutoring Frannie. Now he is alone outside. I assume Frannie is still inside, since A Talking Cat!?! wouldn’t waste an opportunity to drain 30 seconds of your life away with an “I’m leaving now oh goodbye then see you later” scene.
Then Duffy, the talking cat, starts talking to Chris. Chris says “did you just…” and that’s as surprised as he gets that a cat is talking to him. He delivers the line (half a line) like he got the wrong candy bar from a vending machine. Then he chows down on the Mounds bar like it’s what he wanted all along.
Duffy spends his “can only talk once” rule commiserating over his shared dislike for water. Chris then drops a bombshell on us! He doesn’t know what to tell his dad!
Chris! Your dad will accept you no matter who you love! Wait, no. That’s not it. He’s worried that his dad won’t love him since he doesn’t know how to swim. What? What is this nonsense? How long have you lived in this damn house, Chris? I think he knows. A father always knows. That you can’t swim.
Duffy drops some knowledge on us. If you can talk to a cat, you can talk to your dad. Is this not about swimming? I mean, we know Chris despises his father. His constant eye rolling is a big tip-off. If it isn’t about swimming, then maybe Chris should have transitioned the conversation a little more gradually. Duffy might not be able to follow. Just because a cat can talk doesn’t mean it suddenly grew a giant brain too.
Time for another jarring turn in the conversation. Duffy is advising Chris to never squander an opportunity. Which comes out of nowhere. This is the perfect time for Chris to change the conversation AGAIN and ask if Frannie likes him. To which Duffy responds by getting up and walking away. In silence.
Because Chris is stuck in a bear trap, he can not move the 2 miles per hour required to follow Duffy. Also, Chris must have cataracts because he loses sight of Duffy two seconds after he starts walking away. Also, Chris is dumb and everyone is dumb and this music is dumb.
And Mounds bars are dumb.
A Guy Who Likes Ham
EDIT: spinolson pointed out that I said Tina instead of Frannie. This has been corrected. I’d like to say this is the last time I mistake the two girls, but it won’t be.
Don’t mention ham in a movie where Johnny Whitaker acts. You don’t want to draw the comparison.
In this scene from A Talking Cat!?!, Chris is helping Frannie study Hamlet. Frannie is really dumb. Or she pretends to be dumb. I think she’s really dumb. She says Hamlet is about a guy who likes ham. Even if you were pretending to be dumb, you could think of something funnier to say than that. So Frannie is dumb dumb.
Frannie also won’t shut up about swimming. She’s like a black hole of character depth. Frannie has taken the infinite amount of character choices in the universe and refined them all into a singular one-dimensional point in space that destroys all it touches. “FRANNIE SWIM,” screams the black hole. But you can’t hear it, because not even light can escape from FRANNIE SWIM.
Also, during this scene there is acting!?!
Chris is nervous because he likes girls (no he doesn’t) and doesn’t like swimming (true). In a situation with girls and swimming, Chris is close to tears. There is only so much stammering you can do to prove you’re nervous about girls and swimming.
Frannie touches Chris and tells him what Hamlet is really about. A man who can’t make a decision in the face of the obvious. Hey! Dummy! What’s the deal? Quit being a dick! If you know what Hamlet is about, quit wasting everyone’s time! Use the public pool like everyone else and leave Chris and his pool alone. He obviously doesn’t like you.
Hamlet hasn’t been this sullied since Mel Gibson tried to play the 17 year old.
An in-depth analysis!?! of the movie starring Eric Roberts as a talking feline and the cult classic that came before it.
Alan Joyce edited together all the clips from A Talking Cat!?! referencing technology. Namely, beeping machines. Enjoy!
Bonnie & Clyde: Justified “special” effects.
David DeCoteau’s newest film, which has found distribution with Lionsgate, is called Bonnie & Clyde: Justified. It also stars the voice AND face of Eric Roberts.
Watching the trailer for Bonnie & Clyde: Justified, you might think it’s just the directing, writing, and acting that is bad. But wait for the guns to go off. You’re welcome.
Also, watch out for the BANK.
Finally, A Talking Cat!?! has made its way across the pond! But what’s this? The movie’s punctuation must have been lost over the ocean. It was probably like that episode of Wings where they had to dump stuff out of the plane so they wouldn’t crash. Wings.
Not only has the punctuation been dropped, but the movie is now titled Duffy the Talking Cat. Which is sad, really. The mark of a good movie is when the title of the movie is said by one or more of the characters. There are plenty times “a talking cat” is delivered on screen. But nobody says “You know, Duffy. The talking cat.”
You’ll also notice that the cat in the art still isn’t the cat from the film. Nor is the dog back there in the film. Especially a dog that is thinking “a cat with sunglasses? I’ve got to lay off the sauce.”
And last, but not least, we have “wonderfully funny” said by Dummy Quote. Now this is probably a placeholder until someone actually says something nice about Duffy the Talking Cat (don’t hold your breath), but I’d like to think that they’re just quoting some dummy who said “wonderfully funny” sometime. Probably about a chicken parm sandwich. What a dummy.
So, keep it straight everybody. Elevators are lifts. Apartments are flats. And A Talking Cat!?! is Duffy the Talking Cat.